Monday, July 25, 2005

Test Your Knowledge: Zombies!


Zombies are people who have risen from the dead and are on a balls-out mission to eat human brains. Sometimes zombies are brought back to life by black magic or even voodoo. Zombies are easy to differentiate from the living because they are decomposing & walk with their arms straight out. Also, they moan. Technically, anyone who comes back from the dead is a zombie. Some famous zombies are JC & Spock.

Zombies are usually found in close proximity to boneyards, mausoleums, crypts, morgues and sometimes around lonely farmhouses. "Killing" zombies is kind of redundant, because the zombie is already dead. Your job is to make a wrong thing right and put that zombie in the ground for good. If I remember correctly, zombies move kind of slow, but hang out in big groups, so it can still be a bitch to get away from them. What they do is put the clutch on you so you can't get away and then they start ripping you into strips for eating purposes. You'll want to avoid capture, as it means getting eaten. Popular film teaches us that the best way to put down a zombie is to shoot it in the head. Kill the head and the body will die. Did Raoul Duke say that? Anyway, a shotgun is good for this, or maybe an AR-15. Bang bang bang! It's important that we get rid of the zombies, because if left to their own devices, they'll pave a road to the gates of Hell with human skulls and march down it to the eerie cadence of drums stretched with human skin and beat with human ulnas. When they pass through the gates, the borders of Hell will spill over and then we're stuck with a world full of demons and zombies and a whole Book of Revelations scene on our hands and frankly, I just got my car paid off, so I don't need that headache.

They'll also use your stolen credit card to pay off Charon once they hit the Acheron, so to avoid dealing with the ass-backwards fraud department of your bank or credit union, shoot all the zombies you can.

To learn more about zombies, click here.

-RP

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